Vulnerability- the quality or state of being exposed to the possibility of being attacked or harmed, either physically or emotionally.
Being vulnerable is hard and it sucks. I’ve always felt a little vulnerable. I’m the kind of person who wears her heart on her sleeve and cannot hide my emotions. Trust me, I’ve tried. I’ve tried to go into meetings with superiors and have a strong conversation about my needs and then break down crying out of frustration 2 minutes in. I will never be able to be emotionless. I also know that being someone who is highly emotional; I tend to throw up roadblocks for people who are trying to get to know me. I make communication difficult because I do not want to be vulnerable all the time. I don’t like people knowing everything I’m thinking or feeling…again vulnerability is hard and it sucks.
However, it is even more difficult when you are put in a situation with a new person. Someone who doesn’t know you well, but it is trying to get to know you. It is incredibly embarrassing to be sitting across someone having a conversation about life when they say something touching or tell their story and you start tearing up. Or they ask you a question that really cuts to some emotional shit and you try to answer like a normal person but then it happens, you cry and get all sappy.
It’s a whole new layer when that person is someone you have been on a few dates with. It is a terribly frightening place to be when you meet someone you enjoy talking to and you realize that vulnerability is inevitable. A conversation is going to go to a deep place that triggers something. And fuck… let’s not even talk about how incredibly scary it is to let someone go to those deep places in your brain. That. Shit. Is. Rough. No one wants to be on a date with the woman who gets super emotional. At least that’s what I thought. I’ve been on several dates with a man recently who is not exactly an overly emotional or vulnerable person; however, he is patient with my stuff. And let me tell you, we’ve both been down some dark paths in each other’s brains. There have been many late nights, long emotional conversations for both of us. We just share it differently. I express through tears and him through calm conversation. It’s both emotionally exhausting and emotionally freeing.
It’s a learning experience for me. I’m working on my communication and allowing people to see me as I am, vulnerable and unedited. I realize that you will never find the people who are meant to be in your life if you aren’t 100% you. If they can’t handle you or don’t appreciate who you are, they don’t belong in your life. I’m working on not forcing people to stay in my life or trying to convince them that they like me. You either do or you don’t. I come as is no upgrades here. It’s not easy and I sometimes try to fall back into people pleasing and apologizing for being myself. Again, it’s a journey a long and exhausting one. But I’m learning, we all are.